Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Fear of being too happy!

Have you ever had the fear of being too happy? I have it. I am very scared of being too happy. I allow myself certain happiness but I have become very conscious. When I see that this is a situation where I can be carried away with happiness, I start to hold back or absolutely avoid the situation.
I was a very happy person prior to 2009. I was at my peak to say the least. I was working as a teacher, doing voluntary work, I was traveling, going to school, singing and had a vibrant social life. I had friends around me all the time and was enjoying myself so much. My weekends were about good company, good food and good fun. I was all about bellows of laughter, screams of joy and ecstasy, strings of giggles and silly grins.
Every weekend I would talk to my parents about how much fun I was having. Actually we would share notes of who was having more fun. My parents are were such a fun and happening couple. Their life was the ideal retirement life any senior couple can dream of - traveling around the country, visiting friends and family, taking trips with friends, parties, constant trains of celebrations in wonderful,very youthful (spiritually) company, when tragedy struck. In Nov'09, within 2 weeks of falling sick, my father passed away. Maybe some other day I will be able to write the whole string of events, not today.
          My life came crashing down. I was at the peak of my happy moment when I came crashing face down and hit the granite. I faced everything as I could at the moment but it is all a blur. All I remember is that I did not want to face the world anymore. I did not contact a single friend when i got back. I did not want to do anything with any living creature.
I remember meeting an ex-schoolmate's family on the Singapore Airport and did not tell them anything. I smiled and exchanged greetings everything, talked about our families and still I could not bring myself to say it. That is how I was for almost 9 months. My mother came to visit me in September I felt little better and the following month we got the good news that I was expecting. But I still remained very cautious because someone does not want me to be too happy I said. so just keep all the happy thoughts all of it all in.
I became a mother on Father's Day 2011.
It is a full year since that auspicious day of happiness. The month June has been a month of happiness and there have been times when I have forgotten caution and been really happy. Let myself feel my happy moment.
The month of June has been wonderful.

But, I am worried if this fear will ever leave me.

No comments: